Thursday, August 09, 2007

What I learned on my Summer Workation: Part One

My apologies.

I've slacked off too long. Denis never stopped posting while he was toiling away on his shows. Will kept the faith while waist-deep in rewrites. But I am a more beautiful and delicate flower and wilt readily at the prospect of too much work... or too little food.

Which leads me to the subject of the next several posts, in case the title was too subtle.

Tip #1:

Go Easy on Crafty!

Forgive me if I occasionally imply that all writers are of a kind. It's not true. We're all miserable in our own special and unique ways.

That's said, I've yet to met a writer, man or woman, who didn't like the Craft Service table a little more than was good for them. Even a TV writing goddess like Jane Epenson... what's at the end of her every post? What she had for lunch, people! And when the table is laid out by a special lady like Gianna, the Robson Arms Season III Craft Service angel... it's even worse.

Sure, there's fresh fruit and veggie trays, ginseng nectar and herbal teas but it's the pastries, cakes, butter-soaked chocolate, and cheesey thai wraps that keep you coming back. I'm not exaggerating when I say I started training for this season last winter. I'm not a small guy by any stretch, but when I arrived it was fresh from three pilates classes a week. Down from my typical Sea Lion form to a well-fed Otter. I knew it was gonna be a marathon and I was ready.

Bullshit. I'm an eff'ing Walrus!

No amount of training can prepare the Special Needs Child that is the TV writer for the debauchery that awaits him-- all day-- every working day-- at the magical all-you-can-eat-bottomless-cup-of-whatever-you-desire that is Craft Service.

Within the first week there was no semblance of restraint and I... no, dammit, I wasn't there alone... WE spent almost as much time at the table as an Extra... yeah... that's right-- it was that bad. I didn't get my shit together until the fourth week in.... and by then it was too late...

So there you go, Chubbies.

You wanna be a TV writer? Have a salad once in a while.

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